I have been really slack at writing blog posts lately, or engaging online at all!
It felt like I was finally getting a handle on things post rib accident and I hit another wall. I am tired, I literally have no energy left after just tending to my kids like normal.
Then I got sick, cold virus after cold virus, it has been a rough start to winter for my family and I. I was thinking maybe my immune system is down from healing my ribs? Maybe my gut health isn’t up to scratch after taking meds for so long to cope with recovery?
I started eating heaps of vitamins and probiotics and I guess feeling slightly better, well less snotty anyway, but the tired and sick feeling just didn’t shift…
It literally took me quite a while to connect the dots… I hadn’t had a period in a while, I have always had irregular periods so I never paid that much attention but since my period came back after Jai cut down on breastfeeding, they have been like clock work… well, they were like clockwork.
And so I did a mental inventory, yep sore boobs, that sick feeling is totally nausea, I am like dead tired all the time, my jeans don’t fit all of a sudden… ohhhhh…
So I did a test… I didn’t even need to read the result if I am honest, I knew what it would say… but the first thing that came to my head was, “What if you have a miscarriage again?” it was like a lump in my throat, like a blockade to feeling happy or excited or celebrating the life growing inside of me.
Like a stop sign in my head, blocking the information from being processed…
The morning I took the test was actually a playcentre morning, I was honestly in shock. One of my friends had just had her third baby, another playcentre friend commented on how our first two are close in age and joked, “where is your third then?”
I literally looked at her with what must have been a blank expression, “I just took a pregnancy test…” I didn’t finish my sentence.
“Well?” she asked, “What did it say?”
“I’m pregnant” I said, with the words coming out of my mouth shocking myself as much as her, I think that was evident in my face.
I’ve even been part of conversations about subsequent children with others more recently and clean forgot I was pregnant, making jokes about how demo dolls are easier to obtain than being pregnant with another child! My brain seems to have created a bit of a safeguard by not letting it sink in yet.
I know there is not only risk of pregnancy loss in the first twelve weeks, I wasn’t waiting for some arbitrary time frame to tell people about it, it just really hasn’t sunk in.
And I will never forget that pain, disappointment and hurt that was going for a scan with Josh in tow, Jellybean’s life all laid out in my heart and mind and the lady’s face going white and her telling me there was no heartbeat.
I didn’t realise just how much I was holding my breath to hear that heartbeat. When we had our scan today and I could see the tiny heart beating, I literally sighed in relief, tears rolling down my face.
I guess now it feels more real and I can get on with freaking out about life with three kids all 2 and a bit years apart!