When I first became a mum, in fact when Josh was just three weeks old, I first ventured out into the world to seek my “tribe” through this motherhood gig… I didn’t have a big group of existing friends who already had kids, my family all live in a different country… My husband had been back at work all of a few days and I was starting to lose my sanity! So luckily, I found SPACE, the Playcentre initiative for mums with babies under one.
It was just around the corner from where we were living at the time and we continued going to SPACE with this same group of ladies and babies until they kicked us out when the eldest of the kiddos turned two and then some of us went on to join Playcentre together… THe ladies I meet then are now some of my closest and dearest friends and help me maintain sanity on this motherhood journey… They still make up a large part of my “village”.
And for one of those ladies I meet on one of those very first visits out with other mums with my tiny baby, was another first time mum with her new baby, him only a few months older than my eldest and one of the few boys of the group too. For her family, the battles and struggles they have been facing for the last two years is something most of us just can’t even fathom.. Today, she lost her battle with brain cancer and the world, but more particularly in my mind, two little boys, are now without this loving lady and their mother.
This is shit. Honestly. I have only been writing on this blog for a few months and this is the third blog about a significant death in my world… And that’s not even all of them! But this is so hard to get my head around… It’s hard to even take in (hence a big part of the reason I am writing about it here I guess)…
This “adulting” bullshit is hard. Bills and shit have to be worried about constantly. I have to feed everyone every f#cking night. I have to try and balance looking after myself and everyone else. I have to give the best of me to my kids and not leave just the worst of me for my husband. I worry endlessly about whether the decisions I’m making are going to be the best for my kids or if they will turn into horrible people. And admist all this, people die. People say goodbye (or don’t) to their children one last time and then that’s all their kids get of them.
I was 26 when my Dad died. Twenty six. That’s like a whole lifetime in old times.. These kids, these poor kids who just lost their mum, they are not yet 4 & 2 respectively… They miss out on a whole lifetime of love and teachings from their mum. They will miss out on so much.
And as mum, f#ck I can’t even fathom the kind of stuff she must have been battling just emotionally and spiritually knowing she probably won’t get to see these kids grow up. Having to say good bye… Or just trying to hold on that little bit longer to see them grow more…
Tonight, when I said good night to my kids, I held them that little bit longer and cuddled them that little bit tighter, aware none of us truely know what tomorrow brings. And as much as I do truely believe in a higher “General Order of Destiny” (or God if you will…) and that things happen for a reason, I am still cursing the universe tonight about how cruel and unfair it can be at times and have that whole family, but particularly those two boys, in my heart tonight.
RIP Jessica x
For support with grief, particularly with young people, please check out Skylight, they run a volunteer support service and have amazing resources available.